Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I hope my dead relatives aren’t watching.


So, whenever someone dies, people either think that a) they become angels or b) they’re going to be up in heaven creeping on their friends and relatives until all of them die. Well, either way you’re wrong.

Standing in that terribly awkward line at the funeral home and having all these strangers telling you that your lost loved one is looking down at you smiling…I’m sorry, but they’re happy we’re all standing in this line being sad and whatever because they died? Well, that makes no sense. Unless they have that weird disorder where you get pleasure from other people’s pain, I can’t remember the word for it, I think it’s German, but anyway….

I’m sorry, but telling me that my grandma is looking down on me as I do stuff is not comforting. Sure, it’d be nice to believe that my deceased grandparents were “there” while I graduated and other junk like that,  but wouldn’t that mean they could see me do stupid crap too?

And I’m fairly certain no one says, “Well, bless her little heart.” in heaven. And if I’m right, that pretty much rules out my grandma from seeing me doing anything dumb. And pretty much all southern women, for that matter.

Also, if heaven is really joyful and pain free….wouldn’t seeing your living friends relatives be idiots kind of be painful?

“Oh, look at my grandchildren being idiots. Someone tell them to stop.”

And um, I’m not the only relative someone has…so if they can float around and watch us all, at the same time, at any time, isn’t that kind of equating them with God? Huh.

I mean, they were cool people, but they weren’t/aren’t gods. (well, I just gave it away, I’m not a Mormon)

Also…if they’re “always watching” like Roz, does that mean like, when I got my wisdom teeth ripped out and had blood dripping out my mouth….they were watching? How comforting.


No. no. no. no. no.

Maybe I’m missing something, but it doesn’t make any sense to me.

And absolutely it sounds much nicer to say, “Well, I know he’s looking down from heaven, so proud of you.” But just because something sounds nice doesn’t mean it’s true.

I can also say, “Well, if I just buy from the FEED line at Target, I’ll be able to end poverty in the United States.” Well, hate to break it to you, that’s not true either, despite what the commercials say.

Welcome to reality. Ain’t it fun?


p.s. If y’all actually can look down, and I’m just greatly misled…well…sorry, oops. And grandma…I took an old wig from your house. I’ve gotten good use out of it though.

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