Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Caught in the Middle.


So since my senior banquet last Saturday, I’ve been thinking, a dangerous pastime, I know.

I was always like…let’s do this. Let’s grow up. Let’s do it.


I mean, I’m ready to graduate, don’t get me wrong.

but, um, yeah, I don’t know if I want to grow up. I still feel like I am a little girl. I mean, I am a little girl.


Like that is still me, I make that face seriously every day.

One minute, I think I’m like, “mhm. look at me all being a grown up.” and the next I’m like, “ohhh myy gosh. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS! I am a child.”

It’s kind of frighteningly exciting.

I don’t know.

I want to run around and tell every child to quit wishing they could grow up because I’m almost there and from what I can see, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

And then I want to dance. and sing. because it’s the start of something new.

But I’m still a little girl in many ways.

Princess Diaries is still my favorite movie. I lick the spatula when no one is looking. Swinging is still fun. I got a tiny bit competitive playing hungry hungry hippos while I was recently playing with a 5 year old. I pick all of my nail polish off. I like to catch fireflies. I think blanket forts are fun.

But in some ways, I’m starting to be an adult.

I’ve got college credits under my belt. I can drive. I’ve had a “real” job.

But I’m not ready.

I wish I could go back to 10 years old. I miss playing with Barbies.

I don’t like to think about the future.

But sometimes I do.

I like to think about having a degree, and all the new opportunities I’ll have. Being a career girl and all.

But that is absolutely terrifying. Thinking about bills, responsibility, and pantsuits. (I really hope I never have a job which requires me to wear a pantsuit, ever.)

I had to answer some “life-planning” questions for school and one of them was:

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Um, yeah, honestly I have no idea. I mean on one hand I see myself living in a cute little apartment with a cat and working as a caseworker. On the other hand I see myself married, wearing sweatpants everyday, and living in a house with a little white picket fence. On another hand, I see myself getting my 5th degree or something weird like that. On the other hand I see myself living in Central America playing with babies, picking avocados, and walking around with unkempt hair and a baby monkey on my shoulder.

Apparently I need more hands. I mean right now the last option would definitely be the preferred. But I can’t say that’s the definite future. Or that I wouldn’t be happy in any of the other roles.

Because it’s weird.

I mean.

I don’t know.

I’m a child.

My brain isn’t even fully developed yet.

And here I am charting my life’s course.

Oh. goody.

So here I am, stuck in between little girl and…big girl?

Caught in the middle.

“Couldn’t wait to get going, but wasn’t quite ready to leave.”

I mostly just put that song here for that^ one line.

Also I want to know how she is laying in a field and not being bombed with grasshoppers?

One second I’m ready to move out and get on with life as soon as I am capable. A few minutes later I have decided to become a “career-child” and live in my parents’ basement forever.

I don’t want to be a little girl.

But I don’t want to grow up, not now, I wish I had a few more years of being a kid. I’m where 5-6-7-12-15 year old me was looking forward to, but um, I’ll take 8 year old me back, please.

I wish I had enjoyed knowing nothing and literally having no cares or not having to make any decisions. I wasn’t even thinking past…um lunchtime? And oh, now here I am, not even a decade later, having to buckle down and make things happen…

I want to grow up someday.

But I don’t know if I want to yet.

“ If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” –Lemony Snicket.

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